Many food bloggers compete for the top spot in restaurant reviews. You only need to take a look at sites such as Urbanspoon that list bloggers by popularity to see the competition unravel. So, to help you create a fail-proof restaurant review, simply follow the steps below.
- Start your blog post describing every minutia, eg, where you are, who you’re with, what they’re wearing, what the weather is like and how the restaurant has been on your “must-do” list for some time. Better still, add dialogue for another 2 paragraphs.
- Photograph the bread roll, and remember to label is as a “complimentary bread roll”, because you’ve never had a freebie in your whole life.
- Shoot every dish using vertical format, because, you know, that’s how the eye sees the world. We love scrolling endlessly to see what one dish looks like.
- Photoshop your artwork by adding a) a fake depth of field and b) a pretentious logo of your blog. Your blog’s name should never be enough as a watermark.
- Boost your vocabulary with words like “drooling”, “noms”, “food porn” and “salivating”. Remember to “sample” every dish and have a “mouth orgasm”. An occasional “OMG!!!” with multiple exclamation marks is encouraged.
- Stuff your review with every cliché under the sun. Make sure you have an elaborate thesaurus-inspired adjective preceding every single extravagantly chosen long noun in every run-on sentence with no or incorrect punctuation. That’s how the world of food critics rolls. Yo!
- Follow this formula: The (xxxxyxxxness) of (ingredient 1) really (cuts through/brings out) the (xxxxness) of (ingredient 2). This will guarantee that your pretentiousness will pay off and earn you more respect.
- End your review with a score out of 10. Or 20. It will give you kudos worthy of a food critic and your readers won’t realise what a subjective tool you are.
Now “dear readers”, feel free to add your own tips in the comment box below.